free your mind

We were told to prepare for a roller coaster.

I think when people speak of “roller-coaster” experiences
They forget that people often choose to ride them
And even if they leave us feeling hurt, sick, and sometimes broken
It is not often that we regret the ride
Because these ups and downs
Make us throw our hands in the air
And when we cant help but scream at the top of our lungs
It reminds us that we’re alive
If even just for a moment.

I remember thinking one evening,
Grandpa looks good
Maybe this is a false alarm
Maybe the medicine has done more good than harm
Maybe he will get out of here
He’ll live to see
His grandchildren graduating college
And marrying
He’ll be some kind of scientific oddity
One who lives to be 203

And then it occurred to me
We were simply climbing to the top of the hill
And this roller coaster was about to fall
And grandpa had a choice

He could close his eyes and wait for the end
Like a frightened child
Or he could take a deep breath
Throw his hands in the air,
And enjoy the ride.

He wasn’t one to choose a silent goodbye
Instead, he reminded us
That it’s okay to laugh
When we think of the sunshine
And it’s okay to cry
When we think of the rain.
As long as we never stop asking why
Never learning from everything we encounter
Never being afraid to give new things a try

Maybe it is like a roller coaster.

Or maybe it’s like a ping-pong ball
back and forth
out of our own control

Or maybe
It’s like a sunset
That last spark of breathtaking beauty and hope
Before the night takes over
Because in order for the sun to rise
It must first set

And we are not promised the morning
So you decide
Close your eyes
Or enjoy the ride

“The need to travel is a mysterious force. A desire to go runs through me equally with an intense desire to stay at home. An equal and opposite thermo-dynamic principle. when I travel, I think of home and what it means. At home I’m dreaming of catching trains at night … The balance just slightly tips in the direction of the airport.”

— A Year in the World

Portland’s weather is no coincidence
the stormy skies are no disguise for the heavy hearts I encountered
and the heavy heart I left with
I met people who made me feel at home
and people who made me wonder
if I would ever matter
if anyone
would ever really matter

it’s a city of people trying to find themselves
of astounding nature and remarkable culture

they say,
you’ll either love it or hate it
but I can’t decide

the beauty is breathtaking
but my heart remembers the feeling
Portland
is a city of goodbye
and it’s hard to admit that part of why I went
was a long-lost friend who still lingered in my heart
but when I didn’t find him
I found family
and reason to stay
I found beauty in the rain
and I may often associate
Portland with pain
but Multnomah Falls is astounding
and Cannon Beach
is one of the most dramatic natural sights I have ever seen

the power of that first waterfall
will long withstand the power of his apathy

the biggest book store in the country
and the most phenomenal aunt and uncle in the world
Portland
is a well-watered tree
towering above this spring break adventure.

San Francisco is a city of shared spaces
of crowded closets waiting for the world to say
it’s okay
for the inside to come out

it’s a city of upward momentum and open mindedness
of history tied in with writing your own future
of eye contact and compromise
of smiles and pride

a city that has more dogs than children,
San Francisco is bursting at the seams
but nobody really seems to mind
the hippies have a corner
in the biggest city park the US has to offer
Haight and Ashbury are streets unashamed of their claim to fame
and we made a three-day home in the marina
where we clearly
did not belong

Where San Francisco says squeeze in closer
Los Angeles says give me space
elbow room among the five million
everyone is entitled to breathe their fair share of smog

the ocean side is so strikingly beautiful
highway one begs you not to stop driving
people are thriving
following dreams that will make them stars

Los Angeles is history for me
it is streets and landmarks that outline my family stories
it is what we got away from
and where I constantly return

In the valley we were pampered beyond belief
luxury is the rule rather than the exception
what’s three thousand dollars to never have to shave your legs again?
yet those who some would call yuppies
were some of the most generous people I know
working seventy hours a week to keep up with a lifestyle they’ve chosen
who’s to say they’re wrong?

We didn’t see Los Angeles on this trip
not really
Hollywood is not what it seems
and when the sun goes down
everything gets dark
these streets are home to so many broken hearts

San Diego offers endless beaches
relaxed breakfast spots on the sand
and yoga with a fat bellied pig
The sun-soaked panorama is intoxicating
it begs me to slow down, breathe it in.

What a way to end this ten-day escape
slow down,
breathe it in.

What if I believed everything people said about me?
If only they would say what I already believe
That would make it easy.
If only more people would tell me
I’m ugly
I’m dirty
I’m mean

I wouldn’t disagree

But you say
That I am someone worth fighting for
You say
That I need to love myself more
You say
That I can turn away
That my past can simply be my past
This struggle doesn’t have to last

You say
I’m worth it
You say
He’s gotta earn it
You say
Quite simply
That I’m gonna be okay

But the problem with fighting against myself
Is that when I win, I lose
And when I lose, I win

And my losses are so much louder
Than my victories
When I’m comparing the best of everyone else
To the worst of me

You say
I’m better than this
You say
My mistakes don’t have to define me
That I’m a woman of quality

I can’t see it
I think I need a new mirror
With a rose-colored tint

I can only see me in shades of gray
But you say
I’m beautiful

You say
I spend too much time with fools
But I am a jewel
You say
I need to open my eyes
I need to see that I am not
Just a consolation prize
I am a diamond in disguise

I wish I knew the difference between the truth and the lies

I speak louder than you
With my resounding complaints
I only see my failures
You focus in on my strengths

Maybe someday I’ll trust the words you’ve spoken
Maybe someday I’ll see:
It’s not me
But the mirror
That’s broken

some people call me a runaway
they say,
you’ll never find what you’re looking for
if you’re always searching for something more.

and I will politely disagree
because the way I see it,
I think people are simply
settling.

because I will always regret the things I didn’t do
much more than the money I spent
or the sleep I didn’t get

and I will rarely regret
saying “oh, forget it
let’s go.”

Because I know
that there is always somewhere to go

there is always something to see
somewhere new to be
and sitting still is an absolute
impossibility
for me

safety is a cage that we’ve make our beds in
and our comfort zones can’t reach beyond our own state lines

so call me what you please
a runaway, a gypsy, a tease
tell me I’ll never be content

and perhaps you’ll be right
but I’d rather be able to say that I’ve searched this planet
for whatever it is I’m looking for
and still never found it

than have to say that I never looked for it in the first place.

it’s no new idea but it must be my creed:
we haven’t much time for this amazing race,
so exploration and adventure are all that I need

Today, I’m starting off a little cliche
because my brain and my heart are in constant disagreement.

And while science says they know
I think people are still confused about which organ runs our bodies
because when my heart is broken, my brain is jelly.

and the thing about a broken heart is that the part about it still working is bullshit.
I think love songs have forgotten what “broken” means
because teen girls across the world are claiming broken-heartedness
when all they are is a little bruised.

I’m guilty of it, too.

But listen, I’ve been used
and worse than that I’ve used
people who I claim to care about.

And the things we do because we love people
and the things that we decide are okay because we aren’t in love
are one in the same.

I’ve got a tattoo about love on my wrist
but I’m just a name on your list
for when the loneliness of being a man overtakes you.

And I’ve conditioned you to know that
a few smooth words and a knowing glance
is all the chance you need

I wish you knew how you make my heart bleed.

I have given you me and you don’t even know it
and the two of us have nothing to show for it
We’re simply adding bricks to our hearts’ walls
each and every time we fall.

I waited years and now you’re here
but you are not what I’ve been waiting for.

I know there’s more behind door number four
but you keep calling me back to door number three.

And it’s not your fault
I can’t blame you for my weakness.
So along with everything else I will grant you my forgiveness.

They say that forgiveness can set both people free but
I’m still in chains until you let go of me.

I’m still in chains until I let go of you.

You’ve trapped me with your apathy
I know you don’t need me

I wish we both
would stop taking things
we don’t need.